The man in my dreams

He tenido el mismo sueño durante los últimos veinte años. Y cada vez que despierto, querría poder ver la cara de quien aparece en él…

I have had this dream several times during the last twenty years. Every time I wake up, I wish I were able to see the face of the person that appears in the dream. It’s very ironic: I can remember the smell of his skin, the feeling of peace that it brings me to be in his arms, the beating of his heart, but I can’t remember his face. I could even describe in detail the feelings that happen in my body at the moment I fall asleep, how the serene idea of being in his arms puts me to sleep. All this time, I had also other dreams about him. He is always there in my life: when I cry, when I laugh, and when I simply live. He is my confessor. There is nothing I cant tell him. He has given me freedom. A “no” from him was unquestionable.

Recently, I havent had these dreams. I didn’t tell him something that I did, and as a consequence, I felt I had disappointed him. The “secret” was so trivial that it wouldn’t make sense to many people, but it did to us. The problem wasn’t about big or small “secrets”, it was about trust. I had never hidden anything from him, not in my dreams, not in my life. The idea of causing him any suffering made me feel like a traitor, like the enemy I had never been to him before and I never wanted to be. A few strong and simple words tortured my mind. Our way to communicate has always been silent, but powerful. The love and affection has always been obvious, but hardly expressed except for a few exceptions. I was hurt because I’m the person he made and shaped with his love. How could I hurt him?

For a few days, he hasn’t appeared in my dreams. I feel alone, I feel abandoned. I feel like a traitor. Does he still love me? Have I hurt him that badly that I have displaced him from my dreams and my life?

The idea of not having him in my life debilitates my life, affecting the strength for me to go on dreaming and fighting for my goals. The idea of living without his absent presence terrified me.

Today, I can breathe again. I realize that forgiveness is a possible solution. I realize that perfection can only be a goal in life, because we can make mistakes. Yes, we can. Today, I woke up and I could remember the face that had intrigued me for so many years, the person that brought peace in my life, the person that influenced me so much. Today I could wake up and see that the presence of my dad in my life means everything to me. He has been my friend since I was little. Being a baby, I was only able to sleep on his chest. My mom would get so mad because I didn’t want to be in her arms, but then dad came and with him peace and silence, a silence that still has meaning between us.

Yes, I had a dream, a dream that one person was going to be beside me all of my life. A dream where distance was no impediment to count on the other, to know that a friendly face would be there at a cry for help. A dream that has the basis of admiration, respect and trust. When I opened my eyes this morning, I saw my dad again, making my life safer, making my life more beautiful.